MORE WANKY THINGS TO AVOID

# 6. T-shirts that say something.

Keep your thoughts to your head at LEAST when you walk down the street. I don’t want to be distracted from my mission down 2nd avenue by someone telling me about a) their wife (”ACCORDING TO MY WIFE I’M VERY HAPPY“) b) their heightened intellect (”JUST BECAUSE I DON’T CARE DOESN’T MEAN I DON’T UNDERSTAND“) or c) their own WANKYness. It seems extraordinarily lame to say anything with your chest while you’re walking down the street. Why don’t you tell me with your face, to my face? Save it for the bar later. Personally, I want a t-shirt that says YOU’RE SHORT.

#7. Traditional weddings/ marriages.

The sterile diamond ring, the frothy dress, the throwing of the bouquet to unmarried women, the white tiered cake (If it was my wedding I serve black pudding), even the throwing of rice/ petals/ confetti. When will we see the rise of modern traditions? Like arm wrestles for the bride’s garter: Even better, a bandanna for a garter. Something more…. exotic. Dirty. White weddings really are for white people, excruciatingly white and wanky. Clean, pompous, the culmination of a lifetime of wankyness overflowing into one gag-inducing evening, perhaps also spilling into honeymoon territory in Hawaii. I would much rather be a Carthaginian and have my thumbs tied to my husband with leather.

# 8. Ambience music.

Any “relaxing music that imparts a peaceful ambience to the mind, body and soul” encouraging you to “let yourself drift as your mind absorbs the blissful sounds of pan flutes, piano and the songs of nature.” Songs of nature? Nature doesn’t have any songs!! Unless you are Henry Miller and hear the music of the spheres when you’re seated on a turbo jet, nature-song-listening is unforgiveable. Wankyness be gone!! See Pixies Taking Over the World, for my feelings on this topic. Also relates subliminally to Acoustic Jazz, however this encourages a more “imagine you are drifting inside a whale vagina” vibe. Scary.

Voyage towards Wanking Off and Dying

With names like ‘A New Dawn’, ‘Adrift’, ‘Lost at Sea’ and ‘A Mysterious Island’ I recommend not listening to ambient music.

# 9. Superfluous Photographs of Waterfalls

Waterfalls seem to hold some kind of attraction to wanky people who never fail to maintain a steady stream of gash-worthy posts by me. Especially the blurred kind. Must be some sort of mystic power there, huh? they ask. Why are there so many waterfall photographs in the world? What is it? It’s just water, falling. And wanky because It. Is. Just. Water. Moving. Over. Rocks. Wank wank wank. “A waterfall is usually a geological formation resulting from water, often in the form of a stream, flowing over an erosion-resistant rock formation that forms a sudden break in elevation.” Photographers the world over, stay away from waterfalls before you get sucked in to their mystic power to make you into one hell of a wanky-mother-picture taker.

# 10. Metrosexual Haircuts.

Michael Buble has one. David Beckham has one. The guy on every street corner in Queensland has one. Sometimes can be described by referencing cockatoos. The idea in these men’s heads may be to them very modern, to sculpt hair in a demi-mohawk, but they are too afraid to grow a real mohawk, too conservative; they are too Business and Marketing and Investment Banking, so they make do with a weird crest to show their nod to rebellion. The only rebellion these guys partake in though, is binge drinking with fake ID’s and bar hopping with other frat-like beer swazzled members on the weekend after they finish their skipped lectures at Business school. During the time they skip lectures, they spend time cresting their feather-soft salon-shampooed hair with gel, in time forming a kind of semi-lubricated plate of laminated hair armour over the longitude of their skull. MY opinion, is that really these boys long for their forfeited masculinity, and this hairstyle is simply a hark back to the days Neanderthals had crested skulls. For head butting. And all that good grunting stuff. It’s cool boys – jello wrestling won’t stain your pretty exfoliated skin over the weekend before you have to show up to your office building job with the other cockatoos. Might be more humane to wank off and die! before that ever happens.