WANK OFF & DIE WEEKLY: CROISSANTS

Croissants should wank off (flake off) and die. Here I am dreaming of the Parisian life whilst also watching my figure and being in love. Where can I move – it’s the first thing I keep thinking of every morning, and as much as I feel as if I could be venting about editors, stylistas, frequently repeated magazine content in which young musicians dressed in feather head-dresses, face paint, and the like, are heralded, I just don’t think I ought to be that mean. You see, it is against my nature to write weekly hedonistic rants about that which angers me. I think, (therefore I write), as Jon my boyfriend mentioned a few weeks ago, that perhaps it’s not the best idea to get into a habit of being mean. Am I mean? Like, really? I know I’m not, but I don’t want to engender a feeling of undercurrented bitterness, running through these more recent pages.

From food-porn place "My Epicurean Debauchery"...

However, as the afore-posted post details, bitterness is a quality (a side-effect?) of being sharp. Who does not strive to be sharp? Also, while I know I shouldn’t care what other people think/ do/ be/ have, of course I do. I am at a battle of the senses here, a battle of the morality – concerning a few things in my life such as the fashion industry (it’s only a bag. It holds stuff. Get over it), freedom of speech, personal perfection, and food. Which brings me back to croissants. Whichever gloating Frenchman created such delectable morsels of buttery light pastry bread, both crispy, chewy and soft at the same time – ought to be shot, by me, because I’m sure the very essence of croissants is, at the time of creation – really wanky. I lament the buttery greatness of such a piece of French art and culinary expertise, because here I am at the pendulums edge, considering the path towards being a fantastic fashion model, in which I believe one is expected to denounce all food stuffs that have more than 10 calories. On the other swing I am reaching forwards to the very essence of who I am, and that is as a great friend and confidante once told me, ‘a walking luxury.’

“She was a walking luxury,” he said, before adding, “Yes, that is how my first book will begin.” I do believe I like to live my life in this way, too. But whilst I scribe this piece in such unadulteratedly haughty tones (it just seems to issue through me, through a fissure), I am decidedly rather simple (simply decadent) in terms of the way I like to live. Indeed, croissants are the one thing that epitomise my struggle with morality, fashion, food and perfection right now. I know that if I strolled down the leafy autumnal streets in the morning to fetch an espresso and a freshly created croissant from the Croissanterie (Is there such a thing?) down the street (yes there is a French bakery on the corner nearby… it fronts the forever clean and perpetually swept streets) and brought it back to my apartment – which in itself would be a feat, I’m afraid it might be halfway down my throat by then – I would probably be tempted to hurl it out the window in confusion.

I’d set it down on a small table, on a white plate, fetch butter and jam and kiss my love on the mouth and curl his hair behind his ear and tell him I loved him, before standing with hands on my hips at such a sight upending it all. The red velvet curtains (yes, we do have those actually) would sway in a breeze, and I would take back the whole croissant expedition and remember that I am supposed to be a model who does not eat. I would remember that I am supposed to be a non-eating model who therefore, makes money from not-eating, and therefore, can afford a lifestyle in which one can buy croissants.

Do you see what I go through? Is it any wonder that I would throw it all, table and jam and butter, out the window!!!? I think not!!!! Do you see what I deal with in my head!? My dearest love would just say “What did you do that for?” with a smile and a laugh, and I would fix my hair and reply, “Oh, I just don’t like croissants any more…”

As such, the topic for this week’s Wank Off & Die, (as last week’s was Editors – for evidence see every comment, just about!) is Croissants. I am pained and conflicted and experiencing an inexpressible comfort in love, and all the while juggling the ways in which one sacrifices ones life for another whilst still remaining wholly true (stay tuned for more on this in my next post). Here I am endeavouring to remain completely together, and completely extra-ordinary  (for why would I ever settle for being ordinary?) as well as attempting to expedite via thoughts and healthy, happy information,  the ways in which one answers the body’s call for joy and goodness on the tongue, but remains svelte and animalistically built.

So, I say Croissants. Wank off & Die!!!!!!! If you were not created, perhaps I wouldn’t have such temptation for you, and would not have such moral dilemmas. Oh, the injustice against humanity. Blasphemy against croissants. Amen. Until Divine Assistance.

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20 Comments

  1. Scott
    Posted May 19, 2009 at 4:00 pm | Permalink

    I like you best when you’re sharp. It’s like a stabbing brilliance, with perfectly executed flicks and twists. The pace increases, momentum builds; it’s wonderfully brutal. An unleashing of thoughts, infected with wit, and cunning, precise intention, I love it!

    You could probably guess, but my advice would be drop the croissant now (!) and float happily off towards planet fashion! A world where people wet themselves over leather objects, where huge amounts of debt are amassed, where four figure price tags are considered pocket change, where reality dies, and fantasy thrives, where food is overrated, where cloth is art, and a hand-finished silk lining can induce mild seizures, where lithe models roam, where beauty was born; a land of luxury and drama, tragedy and performance, advanced culture, individuality and sexuality, come to planet fashion, perfect is all you need to be.

    I’m going to admit Sophie that I have been known to get excited over objects, particularly fashion objects (not any bags, as far as I can remember). But no, there is never any squealing, loss of competence, or frantic hand waving. Thankfully, I’m not camp. Although I’m pretty sure I suffered a minor aneurism on my first visit to Barneys New York, for me it doesn’t stem from a consumer obsession, or label whoring. It’s more driven by a sincere and strong appreciation of design. An understanding of the designer’s vision, the hard work, and the beauty of it all. I think it’s unfortunate that because of the fast turnover associated with fashion, and the consumerist luxury element, quality, innovative and sometimes just beautiful design that deserves praise goes almost unnoticed, or dismissed purely because it’s a fashion object. It takes years before people start to look back into past collections and recognise revolutionary brilliance. It does slightly sicken me when a person is so helplessly obsessed with an object, but only if their motives are less than honorable (i.e. “it says Gucci, I WANT!”)

    At the end of the day, I cannot relate to this struggle that surrounds you, I’m one of those few vehemently hated members of society that posses a fierce metabolism, that allows me to eat whatever, whenever, and still slip into my smallest-size-available Jil Sander suit (excitement induced purchase!). Oh I love fashion!

  2. Rachel Bui
    Posted May 19, 2009 at 5:07 pm | Permalink

    That looks so good. I wonder what low-fat croissants taste like? I’m going to Paris in two months! Do you have any recommended place?

    • Posted May 20, 2009 at 10:07 am | Permalink

      Rachel, I can’t remember where I used to go in Paris other than the Westminster Hotel, the Ritz, random bars and crepe stands on the street in winter (Nutella crepes)… There’s a cafe we all used to hang out in near Comedie Francaise, I forget what it’s called though. Big red awnings…

      How exciting for you! Just wander, explore… :)

  3. Posted May 19, 2009 at 11:02 pm | Permalink

    I don’t think being honest always translates into being mean. And if you can’t rant somewhat on your BLOG, where can you? Croissants are the epitome of contradictions. The beautiful French women eat these beautiful delights, yet stay impossibly (impeccably?) thin. I once read of a woman who smelled her food instead of eating it, in order to stay slim. She demonstrated this with the example of a croissant. I can’t imagine it would have satisfied her nearly as much.

    Fantastic writing once again, Sophie. Stay passionate. x

    • Posted May 20, 2009 at 10:05 am | Permalink

      Thank youuuuuuuu ahhh I am so much comforted by the reflection that you all see my passion through these petty conflicts which mask deeper torments.

      Thank you…. I will go smell a croissant now, haha. x

  4. Posted May 20, 2009 at 12:42 am | Permalink

    The weekly wank! woot woot Love it my friend! :)
    Perfect~
    When are you coming out my Way?
    i can’t wait to see you! :)
    Wank Wank Wank!

  5. Dan Ouellette
    Posted May 20, 2009 at 1:04 am | Permalink

    Caution conflicts squarely with passion. The problem is that we can easily see a benefit to both sentiments, when we are generous of spirit.

    Recently I worked a horrid job in which the usual unjust financial deceptions were rampant and I spouted about it (not directly to those at fault) passionately and caustically on twitter all the while. After the job wrapped the (huge corporate, aka big brother) client discovered my wee posted opinions and I was forced to write a series of professional apologies to assure the arrival of my paychecks.

    “Freedom is the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.” George Orwell

    I felt as if I had been violated; I had a right to my opinions especially as I completed the job so effectively. Such is the life of being a whore… to income.

    In the end I was faced to accept that an employer (a regrettable external force) ultimately decides what I can and cannot do and that this runs counter to all concepts of personal passion.

    I think maybe the only consolation is that more often than not constraints can offer their own ass backward benefits in the long run. Perhaps they challenge us to be more effective diplomats with regard to all those myriad external forces…

    Diplomacy conflicts squarely with dictatorship. And looking at my two year old, I think we all start out pretty clearly on the dictator side of the fence!

    • Posted May 20, 2009 at 3:45 pm | Permalink

      I hear ya Dan.

      The first week Jon arrived, we had all kinds of loop holes to jump through. And it’s always to do with one or the other thing: Money, Internet/ Phone, Occupation. And it’s all to do with flexibility and the right to explain clearly to someone how it is, but is more often than not met with a crunchy kind of “computer says noooo” from the authorities.

      “By far the most common kind of Ordeal is some sort of battle or confrontation with an opposing force. It could be a deadly enemy villain, antagonist, opponent or even a force of nature. An idea that comes close to encompassing all these possibilities is the archetype of the Shadow. A villain may be an external character, but in a deeper sense what all these words stand for is the negative possibilities of the hero himself. In other words, the hero’s greatest opponent is his own Shadow.

      “As with all archetypes, there are negative and positive manifestations of the Shadow. A dark side is needed sometimes to polarize a hero or a system, to give the hero some resistance to push against. Resistance can be your greatest source of strength. Ironically, what seem to be villains fighting for our death may turn out to be forces ultimately working for our good.”

      (Christopher Vogler, ‘The Ordeal’ in The Writer’s Journey 2007)

      The bank, and the phone company, want to help me…? No…. It couldn’t be!!

      The tightrope one balances between remaining open, as well as strong, is a tensile one.

  6. The Dread Pirate Roberts
    Posted May 20, 2009 at 6:47 am | Permalink

    You are great! Keep it up!

  7. Posted May 20, 2009 at 10:02 am | Permalink

    Thank you. My goodness Sophie, thank you… I needed those Faulkner words which are faultless in my heart and thus reality, in life.

    You blessed me with those words, my deepest thank you.

  8. Posted May 20, 2009 at 10:05 am | Permalink

    Thank youuuuuuuu ahhh I am so much comforted by the reflection that you all see my passion through these petty conflicts which mask deeper torments.

    Thank you…. I will go smell a croissant now, haha. x

  9. Posted May 20, 2009 at 10:07 am | Permalink

    Rachel, I can’t remember where I used to go in Paris other than the Westminster Hotel, the Ritz, random bars and crepe stands on the street in winter (Nutella crepes)… There’s a cafe we all used to hang out in near Comedie Francaise, I forget what it’s called though. Big red awnings…

    How exciting for you! Just wander, explore… :)

  10. Sophie
    Posted May 20, 2009 at 9:59 am | Permalink

    I thought you might like the following.
    Taken from William Faulkner’s 1949 Nobel Prize acceptance speech:
    “The young man or woman writing today has forgotten the problems of the human heart in conflict with itself which alone can make good writing because only that is worth writing about, worth the agony and the sweat. He must learn them again. He must teach himself that the basest of all things is to be afraid; and, teaching himself that, forget it forever, leaving no room in his workshop for anything but the old verities and truths of the heart, the old universal truths lacking which any story is ephemeral and doomed—love and honor and pity and pride and compassion and sacrifice.”

  11. Dan Ouellette
    Posted May 20, 2009 at 10:52 pm | Permalink

    Croissants – Villains fighting for our death!!

  12. Oscar
    Posted May 22, 2009 at 3:09 pm | Permalink

    Croissants and coffee is the greatest breakfast ever invented..they were destined to be enjoyed together. love love love

    • Posted May 24, 2009 at 1:42 pm | Permalink

      Yes! I love you Oscy. Brother of croissant-mania. Birthday food!! I just wish they made gluten free ones… I made buckwheat blueberry pancakes this morning. You would have liked. With lots of maple syrup and cinnamon.

      Can’t wait to be in NY with ya. love love love back.

  13. LIBBY WEINTRAUB
    Posted May 10, 2010 at 8:11 pm | Permalink

    The ordinary, is extraordinary. It is our paint and canvas,it colors our experience of everything, it is everything. The reason we get so fucked up in the head in the first place thinging that we “should be living an extra-ordinary life” is because we buy into someone elses idea of who we are ment to be, and how we are “meant to be living our lives”, like some extraordinary (E.O) event is going to justify our very existence, or at the least validate our reason for being here, and we wont be that, or have that till we have this E.O moment There is no other reason to be here really, other than to experience this magical, not fantastical, fucking normal, gorgeous, simple, silly life, everything matters and nothing matters, and the wheel keeps on spinning. Most of us have forgotten how to see through our childlike eyes, a sin in itself, only if we do nothing to clean the shit out of our eyes, and keep hoping the scenery will change without needing to readjust our view of the much grander picture. I FUCKING Love croissants… they are full of everything that we are taught no to want, I dont mind a splurge, as long as I dont trip out on the greasy bastards deliciousness or caloric content, something that is waning a little more these days, hoorah for not giving a shit, with one eye on what makes me feel good, and one ear on what makes me feel good. Any amount of abusing the system doesnt seem to work for me any more, so I eat the buttery treat and enjoy myself beyond words, I know in these moments I’m feeding the inner child who loves to be rewarded for all of the structured tasks I make her endure… I love YOu Sophie, your writing inspires my soul… Keep sharing of your radiant heart, it is so nourishing….. Libby xoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

  14. Cynic uroboric form
    Posted October 26, 2010 at 6:50 pm | Permalink

    I remember the time i ate the croissants and got a food poisoning from it… Never touched the croissants since than. Damn the croissants for giving me the time of suffering without the relieves!!

    • Posted October 31, 2010 at 3:38 am | Permalink

      Oh dear! I just spent a week in Boston in a hotel where croissants abounded. Hell and damnation to the croissantier!!!

  15. Posted February 18, 2011 at 9:01 am | Permalink

    mmmm, sweet !

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